


the fear of falling apart

by TooNerdyToHandle



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Abduction, Angst, Crew as Family, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Jim and Hikaru brotp, M/M, Missions Gone Wrong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 02:36:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14534841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooNerdyToHandle/pseuds/TooNerdyToHandle
Summary: Another away mission has gone wrong. But this one is different, at least for Hikaru Sulu, who can't help but feel responsible.





	the fear of falling apart

Hikaru Sulu’s memory of exactly what happened leaves a lot to be desired. He tries to figure it out while sitting on the side of the biobed, but it’s like putting together a puzzle that’s missing pieces. Some of the picture is easy to tell what exactly it is, but it’s nearly impossible to see the big picture. Given the big picture is currently what Spock is trying to get out of him, that complicates things a little.

“Are you positive that is all you saw, Mr. Sulu?” Spock asks, his steady tone taking a note of urgency. Hikaru nods, though he’s still considering it. He _had_ to have seen more, right? Regardless, Spock thanks him, turns on his heels, and exits the medbay.

“I have a feeling you didn’t tell him what he wanted to hear,” M’Benga says behind him. Hikaru sighs and nods in agreement.

“Yeah, I was having the same feeling.”

“It’s not your fault, you know? You did what you could.”

“Did I?”

“Judging by the havoc this… acid is the only thing I can think to liken it to, wreaked on your back and shoulder, I’m pretty sure you did. You said this was a plant that did this?” Hikaru hums in approval.

“Yeah. They grow in patches.Usually with a few outliers to protect the rest. They spray anything that gets too close with some kind of acid or poison or something. No one’s figured out exactly what it is. But, they kinda commit suicide in the process. Whatever it is destroys the plant too when it comes in contact with it externally.”

“So… They’re like bees? And you got too close to the hive.”

“Sounds about right, yeah.”

“And Len and the Captain didn’t get any of it?” Something in Hikaru’s stomach twists violently.

“No. I was something of a human shield,” M’Benga says nothing for a long few moments, the only sound Hikaru picks up is the quiet whirring of the regen unit and nurses taking in the back of the medbay.

“I meant what I said, you know. It’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could have done.” Hikaru gives a wry smile despite the fact that M’Benga cannot see his face.

“All of this happened because I backed into a stupid plant.”

“They could’ve known you were there before that.”

“Yeah, but screaming draws people’s attention a hell of a lot faster.”

“You didn’t know there was anyone’s attention to draw. Plus, this plant literally got you while your back was turned. I think it’s safe to say it caught you off guard.”

“Still. I should’ve gotten up and gone with them, helped them.”

“Again, I think it’s safe to say you wouldn’t have been much help for anyone. Especially if the pain was so bad you don’t remember half of what happened. And you said Jim told you to stay down and quiet.”

“Yeah, and then I hid like a coward.” M’Benga’s free hand rests on the shoulder he’s not running the regen over.

“You’re not a coward. You’re the only way we know anything went wrong. You bought them and us more time getting back here instead of going after them.”

“I still feel like I could’ve- _should’ve_ done more.” M’Benga sighs deeply. He pauses before responding.

“I can release you for _light_ duty. You’re going to have to come back here for more regen and I want you to take it easy on that shoulder, but do what you can under those terms. You know more than the rest of us, they need you up there. Go.”

Hikaru makes a mental note to thank M’Benga a thousand times over.

 

* * *

 

“He told you to hide? Like he knew something was wrong?” Scotty asks him staring at him in something between disbelief and confusion.

“Yeah. He told McCoy he had a bad feeling. He told me to stay put and try to hide if anything went south.” Hikaru responds, crossing his arms over his chest. He ignores the twinge of pain from his shoulder.

Spock has assembled what remains of the senior crew to try and examine the situation. Retelling the story of exactly what happened fails to help Hikaru remember anything else and instead only furthers the guilt twisting in his stomach.

“Given that there has been no sign of or communication from either Captain Kirk or Doctor McCoy and the fact that Mr. Sulu heard phaser fire, we can only assume these beings are hostile and have taken them hostage,” Spock says, pacing across the room with his hands folded behind his back. “Mr. Scott, have you made any further advances on attempting to cut through the atmospheric interference with our sensors?” Scotty shakes his head.

“No, sir. Starfleet’s been trying since we found this thing, no one’s had any luck. The best we can do is shuttle sensors on the surface, and even those have some trouble.”

“Whoever’s down there could be jamming communication anyways, especially if we’re assuming their hostile,” Uhura adds.

“I thought ze planet vas meant to be uninhabited?” Chekov asks from his spot next to Sulu. Hikaru turns to him and nods.

“It’s supposed to be. Plants, some small animals, but no intelligent life beyond that.”

“So that means someone else has found this planet too,” Uhura says, leaning back in her chair.

“Evidently so, yes,” Spock agrees. “The planet is expansive and exhibits a number of terrains that would be difficult to search properly. The usual probability of finding the captain and doctor plummet after forty-eight hours. Two have already passed.”

“So we need a solution in the next forty-six hours?” Hikaru asks.

“That would give the best probability of finding them, yes.” Hikaru, Scotty, Chekov, and Uhura all exchange glances.

“I suppose we best get to it then,” Scotty says. He’s met with four statements of agreement.

Hikaru stands from his chair but holds back and watches the rest of the crew leave. All except for Uhura, anyway. She walks toward him instead.

“Are you okay?” she asks. There’s legitimate concern in her eyes, but there’s also indication that she already knows the answer.

“No,” Hikaru says simply. “Not really.”

“We’ll find them,” she assures him. Hikaru holds back the cynical urge to say there’s no way of knowing that. She must see the doubt, though. “Sulu. We will. We’ll get them back,” she reassures him once more, grabbing him by the biceps.

“In what state?” Hikaru asks quietly. “If these people really are hostile…. There’s no telling what they’ll do to them. I mean, Christ, what if they’re already-”

“Hikaru. You can’t think like that. Not yet. Right now we just have to hope for the best and do our best to find them.” Sulu drops his arms in defeat.

“I should be with them,” he admits in a voice just above a mumble. Uhura hears anyway. She says nothing, just wraps her arms around him, carefully and gently. They stand like that in silence until Hikaru finally breaks away, vowing to himself that he’s going to do whatever it takes to make this right.

 

* * *

 

He’s at his station on the bridge when he remembers. He’s not exactly sure how the hell he hadn’t remembered earlier. Perhaps it was withheld from him from the lack of a quiet moment over the last couple of hours. But now, now it’s like they’re sitting ducks. Waiting for Scotty to figure out a way to cut through the atmospheric interference with the sensors. Waiting to see if another ship comes into orbit. Waiting to see if the shuttles currently scanning the surface find anything promise. Waiting, with low expectations, for some kind of communication from the surface. It’s leaving Hikaru with the perfect opportunity to think.

_It had been years ago now. After Khan, when they were preparing to ship out again, for real this time; for the five year mission and not what equated to short distance grocery runs. Hikaru had already said goodbye to his parents (not Ben and Demora, not yet, he was saving them for last) when Chris Pike grabbed him by the arm and pulled him off to the side. This wasn’t completely unusual; he had known Chris since… well, he had never not known Chris. But the fact that he had pulled Hikaru away and not just said whatever it was in front of his family was bordering on slightly odd._

_Hikaru raised an eyebrow at him, and since they were both technically on duty, questioned him with a: “Sir?”_

_Chris released his shoulder and waved a hand dismissively. “This is Chris to Hikaru, not Admiral to Lieutenant.” Hikaru nodded back, relaxing his shoulders. Chris nodded in the direction of where Jim was standing with Len, laughing about something with Phil Boyce. “You keep blondie over there out of trouble, alright? Keep him safe. As much as you can, anyway. You and I both know he’s gonna smell trouble and run straight for it.”_

_Hikaru laughed a little and nodded. “Sounds a bit like him.”_

_“Exactly. So keep an eye on him for me. Bring him back when you’re done out there.”_

_“‘Course I will.”_

Hikaru lurches out of his thoughts just fast enough to catch the panicked breath that was threatening to escape. He quickly straightens in his seat and immerses himself in his display panel. His hands shake a little as he works, but he mostly elects to ignore it.

There’s a soft _hey_ from next to him. Hikaru turns to see Pavel looking at him, the question already in his eyes.

_Are you okay?_

Christ, Hikaru _really_ wants people to stop asking him that.

He nods anyway, turning back to his panel and away from Pavel’s gaze.

He’s not okay. Of course he’s not okay, why the hell would he be? Two of his best friends are being held captive on a foreign planet they know next to nothing about. It’s his fault they are. They could be hurt or worse. They could be dead by now and no one on this ship would have a fucking clue about it. Sure, they’ve made it through things worse than this a thousand times over. But that didn’t mean it couldn’t be something small where the luck finally ran out. Something small and preventable. Preventable. _Preventable_. God, if he had just been paying attention!

This is on him, no matter how many times anyone else tells him any different.

He had promised Chris all that time ago to look after Jim. To bring him home. And now he was the reason that might not happen. He tries not to think about having to look Chris in the eye again if this all becomes the worst case scenario.

There’s a tap on his shoulder that makes him jump and sends a wave of pain down his back. When he looks over his shoulder, his replacement is staring at him. _Shift change_ his brain supplies. He gives the ensign a curt nod, makes his way from his seat, and exits the bridge without making eye contact with anyone else.

Pavel’s waiting for him out in the corridor, though.

They fall into step next to each other, in silence at first. Pavel’s the one to break it.

“Do you vant to go get somezing for dinner?” he asks, glancing at Hikaru.

“Not tonight. I’m not very hungry,” Hikaru answers. Then he thinks to add; “I have to go back to the medbay, anyway.” He actually has no plans of doing so just yet, but he figures it sounds better than his plan to go hide out in his quarters. Pavel nods.

“Do you vant me to go vith you?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll see you in the morning. Go get some food.”

Pavel watches him a moment before nodding again. They go their separate ways. Part of Hikaru feels bad for not going with him and shrugging him off, but the more dominant part of him is the part that would rather not look anyone in the eye right now.

 

* * *

 

Then again, maybe going back to his quarters wasn’t the best idea either. His roommate isn’t there; they’ve somehow ended up on opposite shifts. At first, Hikaru thinks this a good thing. It means no concerned gazes or questions. But it also means he’s on his own, which means silence, which isn’t a good thing. He returns to the same thought processes he had on the bridge.

He tries to lay down and sleep to get away from his own thoughts, but his recently fried back makes it nearly impossible to get comfortable. So he moves onto pacing up and down the room instead. If Hikaru were home right now, Ben would be pulling him down onto the couch or back to bed and telling him to talk about it.

Then again, if he were home right now, none of this would have happened in the first place.

Okay, yeah, coming back to his quarters alone was a terrible idea.

 

* * *

 

Hikaru’s not sure exactly how much longer he paces. He thinks about home again; how his mom would probably be wondering aloud how between Hikaru and his father there wasn’t a hole worn into the floor from pacing. He thinks about Demora too. If he were home, she’d be clamoring up onto his lap, selecting a sticker from her treasured collection, and sticking it square between his eyes. It makes him laugh every time without fail, and she knows that. Homesickness starts to stir right next to the guilt.

 _Of course you want to go home_ his brain taunts. _You just want to run again, you coward._

Hikaru shoves the thought away and finally elects to vacate his quarters. The corridors are nearly empty, making Hikaru realize how late it is. This shift is more or less a skeleton crew; the minimum amount of crew needed to keep the ship operational. Everyone else was likely asleep or at least in their quarters. Hikaru’s unsure how to feel about that.

He ends up in engineering eventually. He’s not all that sure why; he almost never goes down there, mostly due to the fact that he has minimal engineering knowledge and really doesn’t talk to many of the engineers. It’s quiet there except for the low rumble of the engines and small groups of engineers chatting amongst themselves.

He’s about to leave again when he spots Scotty at one of the consoles.

“Aren’t you meant to be off duty?” Scotty asks when he notices Hikaru approaching. _Right,_ Hikaru thinks. _Didn’t take my uniform off_.

“I am,” Hikaru tells him. “I thought you would be too.” Scotty waves a hand at him dismissively.

“Still have work to do on these sensors. Been all over trying to figure something out.”

“Any word from the shuttles?” Hikaru asks quietly. Scotty frowns and shakes his head. There’s a silence between them as Hikaru swallows a mixture of guilt and disappointment. “Do you want some help?”

“I really think you should be getting some rest, laddie-”

“I’ve been trying to since I got off shift a few hours ago, Scotty. It’s not happening.” Scotty purses his lips for a moment and then nods acceptingly.

 

* * *

 

Hikaru doesn’t know a lot about much of anything to do with engineering, such was never his strong suit, but he knows enough to not be a detriment. Besides, Montgomery Scott is probably one of the most patient people he knows. They work quietly for the most part; Hikaru posing the occasional question, Scotty giving the occasional answer and explanation. Hikaru gets frustrated with the lack of real progress after a couple of hours.

“We’ll figure something out,” Scotty assures him.

“‘Course we will,” Hikaru argrees bitterly, rubbing his face with his hands. “Just maybe not in time.”

“In time for what?”

“To find them before they’re hurt, or-or dead, or we can’t find them at all in any condition.”

“We’ve got into trouble like this dozens of times. Worse, even. We always make it out.”

“But what if we don’t this time?!” Hikaru explodes, pushing himself away from the console he’s been leaning over and quickly moving from frustrated to angry. “What if this stupid little thing is the one? What if this is the one where the luck finally runs out?” Scotty watches him wordlessly. “What if they die down there, huh? It’s not like we can pull the superhuman blood out again,” Hikaru scoffs bitterly. “Starfleet’ll love that. Lose their fucking poster boys for medical and command on a routine survey mission.”

“I don’t think it’s Starfleet you’re worried about, Mr. Sulu.”

The sudden burst of anger drains out of Hikaru. He stands there a moment, feeling Scotty’s eyes on him. He debates apologizing in Starfleet fashion, Scotty does out-rank him, but he brushes it away with the knowledge that Scotty really couldn’t give a damn about the chain of command. Right now especially. He has a feeling they’re off the record at the moment.

“No. Starfleet isn’t what I’m worried about,” Hikaru confirms, plopping into the seat nearby that Scotty had abandoned a while ago. “I’m worried about Jim and Len, obviously. They’re my friends. And I’m…. worried about breaking a promise.”

“What promise?”

“I promised Admiral Pike before we shipped out that I’d look after Jim, do my best to make sure he made it back. I’m failing miserably at that right now. I promised Len, too, before the first away mission Jim and I were on together. But I guess that doesn’t matter if Len’s down there too.”

“Is that why you’re beating yourself up over this?”

“Mostly. Yeah. I promised to keep one of my best friends safe and instead I’m the reason he and his boyfriend are missing.”

“I could tell you it’s not your fault, because it’s not, but I know you’re not going to pay any mind to that until we get them back up here and they can tell you that themselves. So let’s get back to it, aye?”

Hikaru sighs, nods, and rolls his shoulders before standing and going back to work.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rewrite of a fic I had posted a while ago. It's not that I didn't like the other one, I just decided to take a slightly different direction. I've rarely written from Hikaru's POV and damn it, I wanted to.   
> I can't make any promises on updates right now, we're quickly approaching exams for me. BUT! I will do my best to keep them weekly.   
> The archive warning for violence might be added later, but for now, I'm not concerned about it. If that does change, I'll put a note at the beginning of the chapter that does make it change.   
> Thanks for reading! Leave comments to fuel my life!


End file.
